Woke up this morning at 225.2 and since I had tried to visualize myself down to the 224 range, of course I was disappointed. Which was silly, of course. This amount of weight loss, so quickly, is just amazing!
I took my students on a field trip today, and the drive as three hours total. I didn't feel tired or weak for driving. But I did get to the site late, and I didn't have time for lunch, which I had brought with me. So instead of skipping my meal (not good when you are on about 500 calories a day!), I ate my apple instead. So then I had two of my meals in a row later today. I can tell that I feel markedly less hungry tonight, and in fact, I almost feel full. I'm wondering what effect, if any, this is going to have on my weight tomorrow morning. I sneaked an extra weigh-in just now, and I was up more than three pounds from this morning (!!!) and that has freaked me out a little bit. I'm just going to go to bed and hope for the best.
I also realized today that the diet cherry Dr. Pepper I've been drinking like crazy has caffeine in it. That means that I've basically doubled or even tripled the amount of caffeine I've been taking in. No wonder I've been feeling energized!
I have a long a stressful day tomorrow and I'm a little worried about getting everything done. On top of it, my lower back is out of alignment and I really should go to the chiropractor, but that takes a full hour out of my day. I don't know if I can do it!
OK, before I go to bed, I'm going to visualize 224 pounds for tomorrow morning....
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
First 10 pounds!
I just realized that I've lost my first 10 pounds between Thursday and today. Four days of the diet, seven days of Releana. And 10 pounds! Yay!
Day 5--Monday
226.8 this morning!
I can feel my clothes are looser today, and I can see that I'm getting smaller around my waist. I can see it in my face, too. I don't know why, but my skin feels smoother too. It's not bad.
Each day seems to get better in terms of hunger pangs, although I still get them. But my energy is getting better each day too. My mother was at the clinic in CA on Friday, and when I talked to her this weekend, she told me they said to take more vitamin B12 (I'm taking Cardio B, which is mainly B12). So I took a few extra of them yesterday, and I did get a jump in energy. It was actually kind of strange; I felt euphoric too. I kept having the weird and happy sensation that I could jump up and start running at any moment. (I don't normally feel like that, I can tell you!).
Yesterday I was at my knitting group and it was a lovely time. But our host had made incredible looking homemade shortbread cookies with melted chocolate frosting and chopped almonds on top. They looked so good! People were exclaiming as they were eating them. My mouth was watering and it was really hard to say no. I did pull out my apple at the scheduled time, and I ate that apple right down to the absolute core. I kept gnawing and gnawing. But I didn't cheat at all on my diet. I did cheat a bit in what I told people, though. These women are all my friends, but I still felt funny explaining the Releana thing, so I told them the "Cleanse" story. And it is true in a way; this really is a cleanse of my system. Maybe I'll work my way to the full truth at some point. We'll see.
I've been drinking cans of diet cherry Dr. Pepper, which I know is not healthy, but I can't help it! (There again, I'm saying it which then makes it true. I'm sure I could help it, but I'm just choosing not to.) In any case, ultimately I'm OK with the diet soda. At least for now....
I can feel my clothes are looser today, and I can see that I'm getting smaller around my waist. I can see it in my face, too. I don't know why, but my skin feels smoother too. It's not bad.
Each day seems to get better in terms of hunger pangs, although I still get them. But my energy is getting better each day too. My mother was at the clinic in CA on Friday, and when I talked to her this weekend, she told me they said to take more vitamin B12 (I'm taking Cardio B, which is mainly B12). So I took a few extra of them yesterday, and I did get a jump in energy. It was actually kind of strange; I felt euphoric too. I kept having the weird and happy sensation that I could jump up and start running at any moment. (I don't normally feel like that, I can tell you!).
Yesterday I was at my knitting group and it was a lovely time. But our host had made incredible looking homemade shortbread cookies with melted chocolate frosting and chopped almonds on top. They looked so good! People were exclaiming as they were eating them. My mouth was watering and it was really hard to say no. I did pull out my apple at the scheduled time, and I ate that apple right down to the absolute core. I kept gnawing and gnawing. But I didn't cheat at all on my diet. I did cheat a bit in what I told people, though. These women are all my friends, but I still felt funny explaining the Releana thing, so I told them the "Cleanse" story. And it is true in a way; this really is a cleanse of my system. Maybe I'll work my way to the full truth at some point. We'll see.
I've been drinking cans of diet cherry Dr. Pepper, which I know is not healthy, but I can't help it! (There again, I'm saying it which then makes it true. I'm sure I could help it, but I'm just choosing not to.) In any case, ultimately I'm OK with the diet soda. At least for now....
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday morning--Day 4
228.2 pounds this morning. I can't believe that I'm actually a bit disappointed! The pounds have been coming off so fast in the first couple of days, that now I'm actually sad to see only 1.2 pounds come off in a day!
Guess I got into the mindset pretty quickly!
So I'm feeling better and better, like my body has adjusted to the transition. I don't have the actual pain feelings of being hungry, although I'm definitely still hungry much of the time. But the better part is that I am feeling like I have a decent amount of energy. I mean, yesterday, I did some housecleaning, and I cleared up my big porch and got it ready for sitting outside. And then I went over to a friend's house last night and we drank cups of rooibus and caught up. And I didn't feel light headed or tired, and that was a really good thing.
I have so much work to do today, I hope the energy lasts!
Guess I got into the mindset pretty quickly!
So I'm feeling better and better, like my body has adjusted to the transition. I don't have the actual pain feelings of being hungry, although I'm definitely still hungry much of the time. But the better part is that I am feeling like I have a decent amount of energy. I mean, yesterday, I did some housecleaning, and I cleared up my big porch and got it ready for sitting outside. And then I went over to a friend's house last night and we drank cups of rooibus and caught up. And I didn't feel light headed or tired, and that was a really good thing.
I have so much work to do today, I hope the energy lasts!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Third Day--Saturday
229.4 pounds. Wow.
I woke up feeling energized. I wasn't even hungry, and put off eating my first piece of fruit for 45 minutes. (I hope I didn't mess up the careful schedule!). I've actually felt pretty good all day so far, although I've had a few hunger pangs since I started this new blog. I decided I would blog about my Releana experience not only so I could keep track of it, but also as a way to examine what I'm thinking and feeling about this whole process. It's a big deal to seriously change your life, and really, it would be silly to go through all this if I wasn't serious about serious life change.
I drove an hour total this morning, and didn't feel light headed. I saw my chiropractor (hopefully weight loss will help keep me in alignment!). I also went shopping for more food (I'll run out midday tomorrow of the chicken and broccoli I prepped on Wednesday night). It was a bit strange to walk through the grocery store and not be able to buy anything but beef and cauliflower and oranges (I still have lots of apples). I'm trying to mix up what I eat so I get some micro-nutrient variety. I don't really love beef, but considering my options are chicken breast, beef, veal (no way!) or white fish (which won't keep well), I'm planning to go back and forth between beef and chicken, with a little fish thrown in now and then. Now I've just got to find time to weigh it, cook it, and pack it up in little serving containers.
I have plans with a fairly new friend to go for a walk, and I was worried that I wouldn't have the energy. But I feel pretty good so far. Hungry, but not as bad as yesterday. My energy is decent. Maybe I'll tell her what I'm doing, or maybe I'll just talk about it as a 'cleanse.' I don't know. I really don't know what I think and feel about telling people. Maybe it will become clearer to me as time goes on....
I woke up feeling energized. I wasn't even hungry, and put off eating my first piece of fruit for 45 minutes. (I hope I didn't mess up the careful schedule!). I've actually felt pretty good all day so far, although I've had a few hunger pangs since I started this new blog. I decided I would blog about my Releana experience not only so I could keep track of it, but also as a way to examine what I'm thinking and feeling about this whole process. It's a big deal to seriously change your life, and really, it would be silly to go through all this if I wasn't serious about serious life change.
I drove an hour total this morning, and didn't feel light headed. I saw my chiropractor (hopefully weight loss will help keep me in alignment!). I also went shopping for more food (I'll run out midday tomorrow of the chicken and broccoli I prepped on Wednesday night). It was a bit strange to walk through the grocery store and not be able to buy anything but beef and cauliflower and oranges (I still have lots of apples). I'm trying to mix up what I eat so I get some micro-nutrient variety. I don't really love beef, but considering my options are chicken breast, beef, veal (no way!) or white fish (which won't keep well), I'm planning to go back and forth between beef and chicken, with a little fish thrown in now and then. Now I've just got to find time to weigh it, cook it, and pack it up in little serving containers.
I have plans with a fairly new friend to go for a walk, and I was worried that I wouldn't have the energy. But I feel pretty good so far. Hungry, but not as bad as yesterday. My energy is decent. Maybe I'll tell her what I'm doing, or maybe I'll just talk about it as a 'cleanse.' I don't know. I really don't know what I think and feel about telling people. Maybe it will become clearer to me as time goes on....
Second Day of Diet--Friday March 27th
232.2 pounds
OK, I woke up feeling better. Not hungry, with decent energy. And it was kind of cool to see the pounds going down. Usually the diets I go on don't see such a drop so quickly.
I followed the same routine with food all day, although I had apples for both fruits. And I still couldn't get through the day without several diet sodas. I really don't want to be taking diet sodas, as I want to be healthy and the crazy chemicals in diet soda are so bad. But I couldn't seem to do it without the soda. I do realize that by actually telling myself I can't do this without diet soda, that I'm actually creating the conditions of needing that soda. But I decided Friday night that soda was OK for now, as I transition in. While I have to be absurdly strict about following the diet part, I can be a little softer on myself about the diet soda.
Anyway, by the afternoon, I was feeling light headed. I had a lot of work on Friday, and three classes to teach, so I needed all the energy I could get. Feeling light headed was not good. Several times I had the sensation that I might actually fall over. This really concerned me, since one of the things I had been told about Releana was that it helped keep your energy and mood up in a way that doesn't normally happen with an extremely low calorie diet.
I also had flashes yesterday of feeling like maybe I was making a mistake. But at the same time, I knew that I had to stay on this for 20 days at least. It could actually harm my body to start and then stop, at least in terms of metabolism. So I just reminded myself that I could do anything for 20 days, and that I was OK. I even took a few minutes to try to visualize my body slimming down. It actually helped. I had a real sensation that my belly was shrinking, and spontaneously, I've had that same sensation pop into my head several times since then.
Seriously, though, by Friday night I was STARVING. I guess that is actually literally true, too. My belly hurt from hunger, and I was having a whole series of diarrhea episodes that were leaving me feeling even more empty and hungry! I canceled my plans for going out, and staying in snuggled up in my recliner with a cozy blanky and I watched TV all evening. I drank glass after glass of water, plus some herbal tea and another diet caffeine-free soda. I kept having to pee, and several times I felt light-headed getting up out of my cozy chair.
At one point, I was talking on the phone to my dearest friend, and he was laughing about my "pregnancy" and I was play-yelling at him for describing the restaurant he was about to go to, and I realized I was able to laugh a lot at my Releana experience, so maybe things weren't so bad after all. I did at one point tell him that I was so hungry I could eat my own arm, and then I looked at my hand, and it did indeed look nice and juicy, and it made me think of a big juicy steak (and I rarely ever eat red meat). My own hand made me think of food! We were laughing and laughing on the phone. It was pretty funny.
When I went to bed last night, I kept having food fantasies. I was fantasizing the steps of preparing nice delicious food. I love to cook, and I rarely have time, so I really enjoy when I do get the chance to cook nice food. But this kind of food fantasy was different. It was so vivid and delicious. And I kept trying to get myself to stop thinking about food, and I would stop, and then as I was drifting off to sleep, I would realize I was going through the preparation of chicken piccata and wake myself up to stop the thoughts. I didn't sleep too well last night.
OK, I woke up feeling better. Not hungry, with decent energy. And it was kind of cool to see the pounds going down. Usually the diets I go on don't see such a drop so quickly.
I followed the same routine with food all day, although I had apples for both fruits. And I still couldn't get through the day without several diet sodas. I really don't want to be taking diet sodas, as I want to be healthy and the crazy chemicals in diet soda are so bad. But I couldn't seem to do it without the soda. I do realize that by actually telling myself I can't do this without diet soda, that I'm actually creating the conditions of needing that soda. But I decided Friday night that soda was OK for now, as I transition in. While I have to be absurdly strict about following the diet part, I can be a little softer on myself about the diet soda.
Anyway, by the afternoon, I was feeling light headed. I had a lot of work on Friday, and three classes to teach, so I needed all the energy I could get. Feeling light headed was not good. Several times I had the sensation that I might actually fall over. This really concerned me, since one of the things I had been told about Releana was that it helped keep your energy and mood up in a way that doesn't normally happen with an extremely low calorie diet.
I also had flashes yesterday of feeling like maybe I was making a mistake. But at the same time, I knew that I had to stay on this for 20 days at least. It could actually harm my body to start and then stop, at least in terms of metabolism. So I just reminded myself that I could do anything for 20 days, and that I was OK. I even took a few minutes to try to visualize my body slimming down. It actually helped. I had a real sensation that my belly was shrinking, and spontaneously, I've had that same sensation pop into my head several times since then.
Seriously, though, by Friday night I was STARVING. I guess that is actually literally true, too. My belly hurt from hunger, and I was having a whole series of diarrhea episodes that were leaving me feeling even more empty and hungry! I canceled my plans for going out, and staying in snuggled up in my recliner with a cozy blanky and I watched TV all evening. I drank glass after glass of water, plus some herbal tea and another diet caffeine-free soda. I kept having to pee, and several times I felt light-headed getting up out of my cozy chair.
At one point, I was talking on the phone to my dearest friend, and he was laughing about my "pregnancy" and I was play-yelling at him for describing the restaurant he was about to go to, and I realized I was able to laugh a lot at my Releana experience, so maybe things weren't so bad after all. I did at one point tell him that I was so hungry I could eat my own arm, and then I looked at my hand, and it did indeed look nice and juicy, and it made me think of a big juicy steak (and I rarely ever eat red meat). My own hand made me think of food! We were laughing and laughing on the phone. It was pretty funny.
When I went to bed last night, I kept having food fantasies. I was fantasizing the steps of preparing nice delicious food. I love to cook, and I rarely have time, so I really enjoy when I do get the chance to cook nice food. But this kind of food fantasy was different. It was so vivid and delicious. And I kept trying to get myself to stop thinking about food, and I would stop, and then as I was drifting off to sleep, I would realize I was going through the preparation of chicken piccata and wake myself up to stop the thoughts. I didn't sleep too well last night.
First Day of Diet
Morning weight: 236.9
I took the drops, waited 10 minutes, then had a large cup of plain tea. I also had to eat a piece of fruit, which was the first meal of the day. I had a big rush, and this was a deviate from my normal work schedule in the morning, and I found myself having to slurp my tea quickly and shovel in my orange so I wouldn't be late. It was not pleasant, especially after my bad Ben and Jerry's night.
I had already cooked up my meals (3.5 ounces of organic fed chicken breast and 3.5 ounces of steamed broccoli, weighed before it was cooked). I sprinkled Herbamare salt on it all (which my doctor said was OK).
I had forgotten I had a lunch meeting, and found myself sitting with a group of frenemies, so it was a little awkward to pull out my little lunch pack instead of the (nice) banquet food from the meeting. And I also found myself having to explain myself to a group I really didn't want to invite into my private life. Maybe it was all the weird vibes with them, maybe it was my desire for privacy, maybe at some level it was self-hate and shame, but I didn't tell them I was doing Releana or going on a diet. I told them I was doing a cleanse and a fast. I didn't feel bad at the time (believe me, I felt much worse about having to sit at the table with them than I did about having to eat my little meal under the watchful eye of work frenemies). but I wonder, if I am really going for full health, if little lies are something that will hold me back? I don't want to be a liar about anything in my life. (I also don't want to be the kind of person who has frenemies at work, but mainly we are frenemies since I don't want to go along with some of their cruel and childish behavior towards other colleagues, I guess it's OK in this case). Still, I wish I didn't have to have my first Releana meal, on my first day of my Releana diet, in front of them. But it's done.
Three hours after lunch, time for my second fruit of the day. An apple this time (less messy at work). By this time I was pretty hungry. My stomach was rumbling. I didn't feel too well, but that may have had more to do with my company at lunch (who were at full cruel gossip speed). By dinner, more chicken and broccoli, I was pretty much crazy with feeling hungry. I picked up a caffeine-free diet soda on my way home at 8:00 and I drank a lot of water. But I really was crazy hungry all night. I tried to go to bed early because of the hunger, but I couldn't fall asleep easily.
Weight Thursday night: 237.4
I took the drops, waited 10 minutes, then had a large cup of plain tea. I also had to eat a piece of fruit, which was the first meal of the day. I had a big rush, and this was a deviate from my normal work schedule in the morning, and I found myself having to slurp my tea quickly and shovel in my orange so I wouldn't be late. It was not pleasant, especially after my bad Ben and Jerry's night.
I had already cooked up my meals (3.5 ounces of organic fed chicken breast and 3.5 ounces of steamed broccoli, weighed before it was cooked). I sprinkled Herbamare salt on it all (which my doctor said was OK).
I had forgotten I had a lunch meeting, and found myself sitting with a group of frenemies, so it was a little awkward to pull out my little lunch pack instead of the (nice) banquet food from the meeting. And I also found myself having to explain myself to a group I really didn't want to invite into my private life. Maybe it was all the weird vibes with them, maybe it was my desire for privacy, maybe at some level it was self-hate and shame, but I didn't tell them I was doing Releana or going on a diet. I told them I was doing a cleanse and a fast. I didn't feel bad at the time (believe me, I felt much worse about having to sit at the table with them than I did about having to eat my little meal under the watchful eye of work frenemies). but I wonder, if I am really going for full health, if little lies are something that will hold me back? I don't want to be a liar about anything in my life. (I also don't want to be the kind of person who has frenemies at work, but mainly we are frenemies since I don't want to go along with some of their cruel and childish behavior towards other colleagues, I guess it's OK in this case). Still, I wish I didn't have to have my first Releana meal, on my first day of my Releana diet, in front of them. But it's done.
Three hours after lunch, time for my second fruit of the day. An apple this time (less messy at work). By this time I was pretty hungry. My stomach was rumbling. I didn't feel too well, but that may have had more to do with my company at lunch (who were at full cruel gossip speed). By dinner, more chicken and broccoli, I was pretty much crazy with feeling hungry. I picked up a caffeine-free diet soda on my way home at 8:00 and I drank a lot of water. But I really was crazy hungry all night. I tried to go to bed early because of the hunger, but I couldn't fall asleep easily.
Weight Thursday night: 237.4
The First Three Days
I got several bottles of Releana, unmixed. I had to mix a bottle myself because I don't have regular access to the clinic where it was prescribed. Mixing it was easy. It comes as a powder in a little glass jar. The dropper bottle already had the mixer fluid in it. I just took the dropper and dropped the fluid into the powder bottle, then swished it around, and then droppered it back into the dropper bottle. I did it several times, and there it was, done.
For the first three days, there is no special diet. In fact, the only thing you are supposed to do is be sure to eat a lot of fat. The Releana apparently takes this time to get into your body, and since it signals for fat to be burned, it is important to eat a lot of fat during this time.
Monday, March 23, 2009: my first day of Releana. I weighed in at 238.2 pounds (OUCH!). I took the drops under my tongue and held them there for a minute. I could vaguely taste a slightly chemical taste of cherries. But it wasn't a bad taste. I paid attention to how I felt, but I didn't feel anything different. I went on about my day.
Between Monday and Wednesday, I kept up the Releana twice a day. I really didn't feel any different at all. I had a moment of madness Wednesday night, thinking about the strict diet to come, and I went out and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and ate the whole thing instead of dinner, and then I felt sick all evening. Plus I woke up a number of times at night feeling sick. I guess it was my good-bye to sugar (and fat) for a while.
Wednesday night: 239.2
For the first three days, there is no special diet. In fact, the only thing you are supposed to do is be sure to eat a lot of fat. The Releana apparently takes this time to get into your body, and since it signals for fat to be burned, it is important to eat a lot of fat during this time.
Monday, March 23, 2009: my first day of Releana. I weighed in at 238.2 pounds (OUCH!). I took the drops under my tongue and held them there for a minute. I could vaguely taste a slightly chemical taste of cherries. But it wasn't a bad taste. I paid attention to how I felt, but I didn't feel anything different. I went on about my day.
Between Monday and Wednesday, I kept up the Releana twice a day. I really didn't feel any different at all. I had a moment of madness Wednesday night, thinking about the strict diet to come, and I went out and bought a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and ate the whole thing instead of dinner, and then I felt sick all evening. Plus I woke up a number of times at night feeling sick. I guess it was my good-bye to sugar (and fat) for a while.
Wednesday night: 239.2
Starting Releana
I sort of accidentally found Releana.
I 'accidentally' gained 40 pounds in 2 years, right after I turned 40, and I found myself getting bigger and bigger without really noticing it very much. It's been a lot of work for me to get rid of the terrible terrible self-hate that comes with a lifetime of dieting, and for the last 7 years, with the help of some therapy and some big life changes, I've really started liking myself a lot more. Part of it was realizing that every day in my 20's on a diet was a day of self-hate. Ironically, as I've let the self-hate go, I've gotten larger. And I like myself more. So finding I had really gotten so large was almost a surprise.
I'm not a particularly bad eater. Not compulsive. No binge-purge. A slight tendency toward compulsive eating, such as the time in grad school when I went an entire term eating only apples, coffee, skim milk, and popcorn. Or how I can get hooked on a particular food and eat it for every meal for a couple of weeks. But generally, I eat organic and whole foods, and I watch my protein-carb ratio. My real problem is my sweet tooth. I love quality sweets and I can go a little crazy.
OK, my other problem is that I don't love exercise, and with my crazy work schedule I don't get much time for it except in summer. My life pattern has pretty much been lots of exercise in the summer, and not much at all during the rest of the year. I know that isn't healthy. And it's a pattern that really doesn't work if I take a summer 'off' from exercising. Actually, what happened was that I came back from a month-long trip to India, and I was sick sick sick. I was sick (on every level-physical, emotional, digestive, intellectual, and energy). I still feel that I don't quite have my self back. But in any case, I was really derailed from my life, and hence, the 40 pounds.
I really am kind of surprised; like, how did I get here? Even though I have some idea, without my constant self-hate voice, and with all my work, I really am a little surprised. And in a way, I'm a bit surprised that I could be surprised. I mean, it's not like I can hide from my own body. I'm out there in public every day. Big big big body. There I am!
But I think in a way, I have maybe been hiding from my life. I've stopped giving dinner parties and hosting big gatherings. I work nights a lot more, and weekends. One social event a week seems to be a pattern. I think it's easy to say that this could be a result of too much work. And I really genuinely have too much work. But I think if I'm honest with myself, while I can't hide my big big body, I have been hiding from my life.
In any case, I don't like it.
So I was visiting my mother in So. California, and often when I visit I take the chance to go get a check-up in the amazing holistic health clinic nearby. (I live in a very backwoods kind of a place, without much access to much of anything progressive or holistic). In any case, I had had my blood work done before I went to the clinic (as I had for each of several years I've gone to the clinic). While all my vitamins and supplements had helped me get my blood numbers a lot better, my cortisol level was through the roof. The stress hormone. Not a surprise. My doctor went through a supplement regime with me, and then said that she thought I would do really well with Releana.
Releana. I had never heard of it. My doctor told me that it can reset the hypothalamus, leading to greater energy, less stress, and better health. She also said it helps people lose a lot of weight safely and easily. The HCG hormone (which is Releana) is the hormone that pregnant women secrete when they are first pregnant. It helps guarantee that there is always fuel for the fetus, and therefore it is excellent at converting stores of body fat into usable fuel. At low doses, and with no fetus, Releana helps the body quickly convert and use up stores of fat. My doctor said that every employee a the clinic had tried it and every single one thought it was amazing.
I'm not a medical doctor. I think in general that "quick weight loss" plans aren't really very successful. But this sounded different, and in a sense, since weight loss was only part of it, it seemed worth a try. I'd be happy to lose weight. But I'd be even happier to be healthy and full of life again. I could use a lot less stress, and reprogramming my hypothalamus sounded like a good plan, as long is it was safe. My doctor said: no side effects, except weight loss. My doctor said: Releana (HCG) is completely safe since it is what pregnant women secrete. If pregnant women swim in it without any negative effects, then un-pregnant normal people are certainly safe.
And so I got some.
I 'accidentally' gained 40 pounds in 2 years, right after I turned 40, and I found myself getting bigger and bigger without really noticing it very much. It's been a lot of work for me to get rid of the terrible terrible self-hate that comes with a lifetime of dieting, and for the last 7 years, with the help of some therapy and some big life changes, I've really started liking myself a lot more. Part of it was realizing that every day in my 20's on a diet was a day of self-hate. Ironically, as I've let the self-hate go, I've gotten larger. And I like myself more. So finding I had really gotten so large was almost a surprise.
I'm not a particularly bad eater. Not compulsive. No binge-purge. A slight tendency toward compulsive eating, such as the time in grad school when I went an entire term eating only apples, coffee, skim milk, and popcorn. Or how I can get hooked on a particular food and eat it for every meal for a couple of weeks. But generally, I eat organic and whole foods, and I watch my protein-carb ratio. My real problem is my sweet tooth. I love quality sweets and I can go a little crazy.
OK, my other problem is that I don't love exercise, and with my crazy work schedule I don't get much time for it except in summer. My life pattern has pretty much been lots of exercise in the summer, and not much at all during the rest of the year. I know that isn't healthy. And it's a pattern that really doesn't work if I take a summer 'off' from exercising. Actually, what happened was that I came back from a month-long trip to India, and I was sick sick sick. I was sick (on every level-physical, emotional, digestive, intellectual, and energy). I still feel that I don't quite have my self back. But in any case, I was really derailed from my life, and hence, the 40 pounds.
I really am kind of surprised; like, how did I get here? Even though I have some idea, without my constant self-hate voice, and with all my work, I really am a little surprised. And in a way, I'm a bit surprised that I could be surprised. I mean, it's not like I can hide from my own body. I'm out there in public every day. Big big big body. There I am!
But I think in a way, I have maybe been hiding from my life. I've stopped giving dinner parties and hosting big gatherings. I work nights a lot more, and weekends. One social event a week seems to be a pattern. I think it's easy to say that this could be a result of too much work. And I really genuinely have too much work. But I think if I'm honest with myself, while I can't hide my big big body, I have been hiding from my life.
In any case, I don't like it.
So I was visiting my mother in So. California, and often when I visit I take the chance to go get a check-up in the amazing holistic health clinic nearby. (I live in a very backwoods kind of a place, without much access to much of anything progressive or holistic). In any case, I had had my blood work done before I went to the clinic (as I had for each of several years I've gone to the clinic). While all my vitamins and supplements had helped me get my blood numbers a lot better, my cortisol level was through the roof. The stress hormone. Not a surprise. My doctor went through a supplement regime with me, and then said that she thought I would do really well with Releana.
Releana. I had never heard of it. My doctor told me that it can reset the hypothalamus, leading to greater energy, less stress, and better health. She also said it helps people lose a lot of weight safely and easily. The HCG hormone (which is Releana) is the hormone that pregnant women secrete when they are first pregnant. It helps guarantee that there is always fuel for the fetus, and therefore it is excellent at converting stores of body fat into usable fuel. At low doses, and with no fetus, Releana helps the body quickly convert and use up stores of fat. My doctor said that every employee a the clinic had tried it and every single one thought it was amazing.
I'm not a medical doctor. I think in general that "quick weight loss" plans aren't really very successful. But this sounded different, and in a sense, since weight loss was only part of it, it seemed worth a try. I'd be happy to lose weight. But I'd be even happier to be healthy and full of life again. I could use a lot less stress, and reprogramming my hypothalamus sounded like a good plan, as long is it was safe. My doctor said: no side effects, except weight loss. My doctor said: Releana (HCG) is completely safe since it is what pregnant women secrete. If pregnant women swim in it without any negative effects, then un-pregnant normal people are certainly safe.
And so I got some.
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